Things

So, a little basic info.  I am a newly married, once single mom to a 10 year old boy who is the light of my life.  The last 11 years have certainly been rocky, from finding out I was pregnant at 20 weeks along, to being a single parent, trying to make ends meet.  Being both "mom" and "dad" and explaining that to a young boy who was devastated for years that he didn't know his father.  I did my best to explain the situation to him, even though I myself didn't fully understand (and still don't) as to why his father isn't around.

As the years went on my love for my son only grew, as did my awareness of how much my life and things I do impact him greatly.  For years I thought it would just be the two of us, making our way through life and enjoying it in any way we could.  I never thought about getting married or having more children.  I was very content with what I had and thankful for it.

Then I met my husband.  I was amazed that I wanted to get married one day and possibly even have more children!  But how would that work, how would my son take having a step father and possibly a sibling or a few?  Luckily, my son is very open to his step dad and the idea of having a sibling.  He is ecstatic to be a big brother after so many years!

My husband and I got married in June of this year and soon after we found out that I was pregnant.  Sadly, that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and a great sadness overtook my son, my husband and myself.  A huge part of me felt like it was taken away, and I can never get it back.  But, deep down, I knew something was wrong and that my Angel Baby was better off with Jesus than s/he would ever be here on earth.

After the miscarriage, I wasn't sure what I wanted.  Did I want to chance getting pregnant again to possibly end up having another miscarriage and feeling like yet another part of me was gone?  Would being pregnant again make me miss my Angel more?  Well, my answers soon came when we found out in November that we were pregnant again!  This whole time I have worried about what will happen and prayed continuously for a healthy child.  But I have also tried to embrace the pregnancy for what it is, so that even if something were to happen I wouldn't have any regrets of not enjoying it while I could.

Today, though, more than any day so far, I am a nervous wreck.  We go in for our first ultrasound today and all I can hope and pray for is a healthy child to appear on the screen before us.  But I am worried that we will get there and they will say that there is no heartbeat.  I'm not sure I am ready to deal with that possibility.  Dear God, please don't let that be the case.  Protect my unborn and bring me good news today and throughout the rest of this pregnancy.