After a devastating loss on September 12th, 2009 (first trimester miscarriage), my OB said it was OK to try to conceive again after one cycle. Eric and I discussed the pros and cons of conceiving so soon. For me, the cons seemed to outweigh the pros, even if just a tiny bit. (Not getting into our lists as they are very personal and too long.) Eric on the other hand thought the pros far outweighed the cons. Honestly, I think he was just so devastated at the loss of Arden (we named the baby Eric's top name choice), that he wanted to help fill that hole in his heart. In the end, we decided to actively try and see what God had in store for us.
On November 17th, I took a pregnancy test and got a faint line. So faint I wasn't sure if I was seeing it or not. I took another the next day, but this time it was a digital. It showed up positive within about 30 seconds-- no denying it with the word "Pregnant" right in front of us! I couldn't decide how to feel. A flood of emotions flowed through me. I was excited, but scared. Sad for the loss of Arden-- I wasn't trying to replace that child, and pray(ed) regularly that Arden knows that.
It took me a week or two to be completely at ease with the idea of being pregnant again so quickly. Even though we were actively trying, I never expected to get pregnant right away. I was still afraid that something was going to go wrong, and I had days where I cried for Arden, but I also knew (and still know) that everything happens with a reason and purpose. It is weird to think about how Ephraim wouldn't be here if we hadn't lost Arden. And sometimes Eric and I talk about what Arden would have been like had he been the one we brought home.
Things went well for the first 11 weeks. I had morning sickness on and off, but nothing too horrible. I had weird cramping, stretching if ligaments, and sore breasts. A lot of the typical early pregnancy symptoms. Then at 11 weeks I woke up for my usual middle of the night bathroom break (only during pregnancy) to find that I was bleeding. I started crying and wondered if I should tell Eric or not. After what seemed like forever, I went back to bed and was planning to wait until morning to tell him, but he heard me crying and asked what was wrong. I told him, and I could feel the fear within him. The same fear I had, and that we had gone through only a few months before.
We agreed that since the bleeding wasn't bad enough to warrant an ED visit, to go back to sleep and call the OB the next day. When I did call, I spoke with my all time favorite "doctor", Daisy. (She is actually a nurse midwife who works for the OB's office, hence the quotes around doctor.) She told me to come to the hospital as she was on call that day and to go straight to radiology where she would let them know to do an ultrasound. After the ultrasound we were to go to the birthing unit to see her for an internal exam.
We were so relieved to see a squirmy baby on the screen with a good heart rate. And Daisy said she didn't see any blood or where it would have come from and gave us the all clear. Thank the Lord! I was so worried. Yet, I still worried after too. But, that's me, a worrier. I can't seem to help but worry about every little thing. Even things that most people would never worry about!
Part 2 to be posted as soon as I have time to write it!
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