Tuesday, April 24, 2012


I am soooo stressed, saddened, upset, angry, irritated, etc.  I feel horrible for feeling all these negative things.  I know it isn't Lorelai's fault, but she is driving me mad.  I can't put her down without her crying.  Half the time that she spends in our arms, she is still fussing.  She wakes up in the morning and spends at least an hour crying despite our best efforts.  Then, she calms down but fights sleep.  Once she falls asleep, we try to put her down, and most of the time she wakes right up and starts crying again.  We've tried putting her down before she is asleep to let her put herself to sleep, but that only works part of the time and I feel bad because I've always been told that at this age you shouldn't let them cry for too long because crying means they need something and to leave them to cry would be saying that they can't trust us to help them feel secure.  *sigh*

Then, evening comes around, and she cries and cries.  She isn't as bad as Ephraim was, thankfully.  But, it still isn't easy.  I feel bad for Eric too, as he was really hoping to experience a fairly "easy" baby after everything we have gone through with Ephraim.  He always reminds me that I had it easy with Bretton and that he should be able to experience that as well.  (Bretton was the easiest baby.  Calm, quiet, slept well, independent, fast learner, etc.)

I feel like a horrible mother because 1, I can't get her to calm down despite my best efforts, and 2, because i am so irritated and upset with the colic.  I keep trying to tell myself that it is from her not feeling well, but I know in my heart that it is more than a cold-- that colic has taken her like it did Ephraim.  Honestly, it makes me want to scream and cry.  I feel like I must have done something to make my children have colic, to be cranky, irritable, and have delays.  What did I do???  If only I could go back and change things.  I'd do anything to make my children not have colic, be sick, have developmental delays, and so on.  I am so angry at myself as I can't even think of what I must have done to have this happen to me twice, but it is obvious that something had to have occurred. 

I love my children so much, but I can't handle the inconsolable crying.  It both hurts my heart and drives me insane.

Sickness Sucks

Seriously, I know everyone knows how much being sick can suck, but this is ridiculous! Four out of 5 of us have had this cold virus for 3 or more weeks now.  The babies are miserable half the time and I'm only getting worse.  Eric listened to my lungs and checked my ears as they both hurt, but he said they look and sound alright.  I'm not sleeping well between middle of the night feedings, not being able to breathe, and coughing fits that have me vomiting.  I'm not sure how much longer I can take this.  If I'm not getting better in a day or two I'm going to the doctor and requesting some form of relief!

Anyway, I just needed to complain about it for a minute.