Saturday, January 30, 2010


Seriously, I am so tired!  I thought this whole being exhausted part of pregnancy only got better as time went on, but I see that someone was very wrong in informing the world of this.  Of course, it doesn't help that I am so uncomfortable sleeping at night that I wake up every few hours.  And when I get home from work I am exhausted and sometimes nap, making me less able to sleep through the night.  Gah!  I know, I know, it's all a part of being pregnant and will help prepare me for life with a baby.  When did I ever say I wanted more children anyway??  My son is almost 11.  That means he will only be with me another 8 years or so (although he insists he is living with me forever).  Am I crazy for starting all over again?  Because that's how I feel!  I'm actually very happy to be having another child, with and for my husband, who "desperately" wants children.  It's just frustrating to have to go through all the "symptoms" and craziness.  Why can't our bodies be good to us for the duration of pregnancy?

Anyway, my son has basketball today.  He was also doing an after school program but he decided to be done with that one.  I think he missed coming home after school with me and having that extra time to do stuff before dinner and homework and so on.  I think it's sweet that he wants to be with me, but I wish he would have finished this one season at least since they only have like 2 weeks left.  But, I am one of those people that feels that a parent should never force their child to do an (optional) activity if they don't want too.  I encourage and even tell him to give it some time before making his decision, but if in the long run he still doesn't want to do it, I won't make him.

So, because we have basketball to go to, I need to get moving around here and get some things done.  Then, after basketball we will be doing our usual grocery shopping so we probably won't be home until late this afternoon.  As much as I need to shop I wish I didn't have to spend the day doing it.  I just don't have the energy.

Oh, and yesterday marked the beginning of the second trimester!  Some say it starts week 13, some say week 14, so I went with 14.  We had an appointment Thursday and they found the heartbeat fairly quickly.  My husband and son were both with me for this one.  My son had never heard the heartbeat before so we wanted to let him see what it was like.  He was happy that they found it.  So was my husband and myself!  I can't wait to feel this baby move now- though I know it will be another 6 weeks or so.

Well, I am off for the day.  Who knows what it will bring that isn't planned!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Well, the title may say memories, but that doesn't mean I am going to share any specific ones!  (Though I might.)  It's just that I was filled with many memories today.  Memories of when my son was born.  Memories of being a single parent, raising a a child of the opposite gender and really having no idea what to do when certain situations arose.  But, looking back, and imagining what the future holds, I don't think I have done too shabby.  My son is well cared for and loved very much.  Watching him grow up has truly been a blessing.  He has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. 

Of course, the memories came flooding to me because, well, I am so overly emotional right now it isn't funny!  So, when he came up to me at school today (I work in the same building that he attends) and told me about how he broke the zipper on his hoodie and how I he forgot his DS at home and had this look in his eye that said "Mom, even though I am 10 and don't always want you around I do still need you!" I was reminded of how good it feels to be needed and yet, how scary and frightening that feeling can be. 

Now, being reminded of the frightening aspect of it all, I wonder how I will be with a new child.  Yes, I have done it once, but that was 10 years ago!  I feel as though I've forgotten everything, and worry I may not have any idea this time.  Yes, I have someone to help now; an amazing guy who is already an amazing husband and step-father so I know he will be just as great as a" first time dad" but still, that doesn't change my fears and worries. 

While I remember all the great things about raising my son and all the wonderful memories I have, there are plenty of memories of hard times, struggle, emotional pain, physical pain between my own body and my son's every time he got hurt.  The guilt and worry of all the stuff that "went wrong".  How do I correct those things this time, but still raise my children fairly and equally?  And really, how does someone raise a set of siblings that have are over a decade in age difference?
I suppose only time will tell...

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Just an update

Well, it's been awhile since I last posted, though not a whole lot has happened.  Other than work, home life and a trip to Radiology for an emergency ultrasound last Monday.  Basically, that was a scare and a half that we certainly did not need- not that anyone needs a scare. 

So, what happened?  Well, I woke up in the night to use the bathroom to find some spotting and cramping.  I didn't worry too much as it wasn't too bad and I figured it could have been from a number of  things.  But, when I got up an hour or so later the spotting was a bit more and pretty red with cramping so bad, including lower back pain similar to back labor.  I started freaking out at this point.  This is basically how our miscarriage began 4 months ago and that's all that I could think of.  I tried hard to just breathe and relax but it was no use, a sudden wave of worry and grief hit me hard and I was crying hard.  I went back to my room, waking Eric up with my crying and told him what was going on. 

For the rest of the night I couldn't sleep.  I think I slept maybe 2 hours total, more drifting in and out than anything.  I finally decided that I needed to call the OB on call. I knew that no matter what was happening, there wasn't much that they could or couldn't do other than an ultrasound to see how the baby was doing but that was more than I had at the time.

As I waited for the OB to call back I debated on whether I should go to work or not.  I decided to go in and do as much of the day as possible until I could get in to see the doctor, if they would even let me.  By the time the doctor called and said I needed to go as soon as possible, it was past 7am, pretty late to be calling into work but I had no choice.  I made the call and then again waited for another call from the OB for specific instructions on when and where to meet her.

At 11am, we went to radiology for an ultrasound.  As I lay there I wasn't sure what to think about more, the results of what the ultrasound would show or the fact that they required me to have a full bladder and by now I really had to empty it!  I just kept pushing the urge to pee aside as I watched the screen for the next hour.  The news was great- baby has a strong heartbeat of 170 bpm, measured a day ahead and was moving around like crazy.  But, I still worried, and still am.  We were told 4 months ago that things looked ok and then a week later we lost the baby.  How am I to know for sure that won't happen again?  I suppose the only way to know is through time.  So, I pray continually for the health and safety of not only my husband, my son and myself, but for this unborn child.  I continually ask God for peace, wisdom, understanding and strength.  And most importantly, I pray that my faith in God doesn't waiver because of things that have happened or things that may happen.

As of now, things seem to be going ok, and that's all I can ask for.  Our next appointment is January 28th, and I can't wait.  I just want to hear the heartbeat again, to know that everything is going well and that we are past the first trimester.  I am excited to meet my new child, to see my husband with his first born, and to have my son have a sibling.  Here's to hoping and praying for a healthy 6 more months!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Another day gone

Today was an uneventful day.  Went to work, though I wasn't feeling up to it.  Luckily, I got there to find out that it was a pretty easy day (not that most days aren't, just a different type of easy).  There was a Civil Right assembly this morning which was pretty good, then in the afternoon there was a one man fiddler concert.  He was awesome! 

Besides that, life is same old.  Tomorrow we will reach the 11 week mark of the pregnancy and so far things seem to be going well, other than the awful symptoms!  My son is almost constantly asking if he can tell people about becoming a big brother- he even just asked again!  We told him near the end of January, but honestly, almost everyone we know already knows so I don't see why it matters.  Even if for some reason God sees fit to take our unborn child home, people will still know/find out.  Maybe I can convince my husband to just let him tell all he wants now. 

My son is also busy doing basketball, both for the areas rec department and the after school program they have for it.  He complains about his body being sore when he gets home, but I know he enjoys it and I just keep telling him it's good for him.  What a mom I am... haha! 

Well, I am going to go find some food or something.  The feeling of absolute hunger has overtaken me most of the day.  I'm afraid I may not find anything I actually "want" to eat though.