Saturday, July 28, 2012

Weigh In

So, it was another rough week, but better food wise.  Exercising is hard though with 2 little ones.  I so wish I had a treadmill. :\ 

Starting weight: 291 pounds

This week: 279 pounds.

Total loss to date: 12 pounds

Got to go for now but may add more later.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I feel like...

I have no one. 

My life sucks, and no matter what I do I can't seem to make it better.  Our financial situation is at an all time low.  Eric can't seem to find more work-- though he has only applied to a hand full of places, which makes me feel like maybe he doesn't really want to work more hours.  This leaves me in a tough spot.  Do I go back to work, and be even more miserable yet be able to financially provide for my family, or do I stay home as planned, and be miserable with what little money we have-- barely being able to pay the bills?  If I do go back, Lorelai is going to have a very rough time, as she is refusing the bottle.  Eric probably won't handle it well, and Ephraim will get no one-on-one time because Lorelai will need so much attention.

Then, to add to that, I hate myself.  I have for years and years, but lately it is just getting worse and I can't seem to figure out how to love myself.  The one person who I want to help me doesn't seem to care.  They are much more involved with their own feelings and the worry of others thoughts and feelings.  That's fine.  They have the right to feel, think, say, and do as they please.  I feel as though it is only tearing us apart though.

Today is Ephraim's 2nd birthday, and I thought we would have a wonderful day all together, just enjoying him and celebrating his life.  But, today has been miserable-- mostly because of a certain person who can't get past a decision I have made for myself. 

I am seriously considering leaving.  Just packing up the essentials, taking the kids, and starting over somewhere else.  It isn't like anyone will miss me.  But, how can I leave when we are beyond broke?  We don't have enough for the few bills we have, there certainly isn't enough to move.  Which again, makes me miserable because I want out of here more than almost anything right now.  I would give almost anything to be out of Salem, and back in the Farmington area. 

If only someone cared.  Cared enough to not only be there, but to listen-- truly listen, validate my feelings (even if they don't agree), and help me with my broken heart and broken life.  I never in a million years thought I would despise my life as much as I do right now.  The only thing that is good, are my 3 children.  Even then, my worries and hate for life grow as I watch them grow up.  Knowing that they will have to deal with this awful world and people who don't care.  Knowing that I probably robbed Bretton of his biological father because I was young and stupid.  Knowing that Ephraim, while I love and adore him, is always going to be a handful that I can't deal with, not as a good mother should.  Knowing that Lorelai has a horrible woman as a "role model"-- Lord, please do not let her look up to me, but give her an amazing woman who can guide her into being a wonderful woman herself one day.  Give each of my children the role models they need in life to be the wonderful, strong individuals that you would have them become.

I am a horrible mother-- but despite that fact, I love my children with all my heart.  No one matters to me more than they do.  If only I could be a better person for them.  Why is it that no one likes me?  I always thought I was a nice, caring person, who was easy to get along with.  But, the older I get and the less friends I realize I have, the more I wonder what is wrong with me for people to hate me so much.  The more I realize no one cares, the more I hate myself.  An unending battle it seems.

There is so much else that I hate, but I don't have enough tears to keep going...

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Weigh In

After a crazy week, emotionally, physically, mentally-- I am not surprised by the scale this morning, though I am disappointed.  Disappointed in myself- the lack of confidence and self control.  But, there is always today.  Today I can start fresh, and for that I am grateful.  I am hoping for a better week this week.

So, as for my weigh in: 
                                    Last week: 291 pounds
                                    This week: 287 pounds

A weight loss total for the week of 4 pounds.  Not terrible, but not great.  I should have been able to take off a bigger number with the first week, but as I said, it was a tough week.  I certainly didn't eat well every day, especially since I almost gave up. 

I did however, meet my goal of working out at least 4 days, with 5 of the 7!  Yay for that!

This week's goals:  Work out 5 days and lose at least 4 more pounds.  Also, to not beat myself up over any "slip ups".  Beating myself up over them just makes me feel worse and it isn't worth it.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Another one grows!

This post will have a few different things in it, so it may bounce around a bit. ;)

Lorelai sure is growing like a weed!  She had her 4 month WCC today and weighed in at 16 pounds 1.5 ounces and is 26.5 inches long.  Doctor said she is growing great and can start solids!  She wants us to start with oatmeal or barely cereal-- no rice cereal though, as she says is is pure starch that isn't needed.  So, tomorrow she will get her first taste of oatmeal. 

It is crazy to think about how much she has grown and how she was born 4 months ago.  It really doesn't seem that long ago, yet it sometimes seems like she has been a part of the family forever.  I still wonder how I got a little girl and how I am going to manage her!  I never thought I would have a girl, and I always hear how hard they are to raise.  It worries me.  But, I also know that I will do the best that I can and that is all that I can do.  With Eric, I know I will get through it and I know we will raise our children to be fine young people.  I just hope that they can be proud of us as parents.

After her appointment, we did a few errands and looked at a few more houses.  Without getting into it right now, it is such a tedious, annoying, and very stressful process.  Eric and I never thought it would be this difficult to deal with, and feel like it really shouldn't be this hard.

I had a terrible day yesterday with food and exercise.  I wanted to give up and was so stressed out about it, among many other things going on in our lives.  But, after having a talk with my bestest girl, Bri, (yes I know bestest isn't a word) and having a chat with Eric, I feel better.  I know there will always be days that I want to give up.  There will always be days that I want to eat crazy junk and be lazy, but I also know that I can always start fresh and be proud of what I do accomplish, even if it is acknowledging a small step like eating a healthy meal and drinking water instead of soda or my big down fall, iced tea. 

I am pretty sure that with the junk I ate yesterday, there will be little to no weight loss this week, but that's OK.  I've started new, will keep plugging away, and will expect a loss next week if I don't have one on Saturday.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012


Wow.  I've had such a horrible day today, and it isn't even over yet.  :\  I have eaten so much junk it isn't funny.  I feel like giving up on eating healthy and exercising.  What is the point?  I feel like no matter how hard I've worked in the past or how hard I work now, I will never be as thin and healthy as I want to be. 

I can't motivate myself, and feel like I have no one else to motivate me.  Eric says to do what I want, encourages me only when I tell him that is what I need, and keeps saying he loves me how I am.  You know what?  I'm glad he loves me for me, but I don't, and I would think he would want to help me to do whatever it takes to learn to love myself.  To become happy with who I am, what I look like, my life, etc. 

I've been so down with my life and myself.  I know a huge part of that is because of my weight.  But, I can't help myself when I have no one else who cares.

I give up.

Monday, July 16, 2012

First weigh-in

OK, we didn't have internet service Saturday so I couldn't post and I forgot until just now.  Anyway, I can't find my tape measure right now, but I did weigh-in.  Sadly, some of the weight I had lost after having Lorelai came back.  But, I am starting fresh and hoping for a good first week. 

So, my current weight (as of Saturday July 14th) is:   291     (many emotions go here)

This weeks goal:  to lose 5 pounds (should be easy with water weight) and exercise at least 4 days.

I will update next Saturday, if not before then.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Growing Up

What a day.  Since we now live in Salem, which is 40 minutes North of Farmington, it is a real pain to go get things done with children as it takes that much longer.  Today, Bretton had his 13 year WCC (Well Child Check) and I needed to get groceries for both home and for Bretton, who is going to a family member's home to do work for the week.   I left around 8:30 am and didn't get home until almost 1pm.  Eric then had to go to Farmington as he had to work. 

Bretton's WCC went well.  The doctor said he is healthy. :)  He is almost as tall as I am now.  It is so weird to think about how he once was small enough to fit inside me, inside my arms, in a crib, then into a toddler bed... and now-- well now he is a young man, growing rapidly and making me wonder where the last 13 years have gone!  He is so grown up and independent.  He goes off for weeks without me-- visiting people in different cities and even different states!  Soon, he will be traveling the world, supporting himself, and possibly even a family.  I am so excited to see where life takes him, but I am so scared too.  I wish I could stop time and enjoy these moments with him as my "little boy", forever. 

Well, onto a new subject.  Food.  Grocery shopping today was interesting.  I didn't get everything that was on my list.  Partly because the store rearranged everything and I was having a hard time finding things, and partly because I didn't have time to mess around with it since I shopped before Bretton's appointment.  I did well though.  I stayed on my list except for a Coke, a Mt Dew, and donuts.  I shouldn't have gotten them, but Bretton and I were hungry and wanted something quick and easy and we figured it would be our last time for awhile.  (Not sure how long we will make it but going to try for at least 10 days without any sugar or processed foods then go from there.)

So, for groceries, I got 99% lean ground turkey breast, lots of fresh fruits and veggies, some rice crackers (that follow the guidelines of, and cheese its and yogurt covered raisins for Ephraim.  That's it.  I am going to try to make some wraps, pitas, and/or bread this weekend, depending on the weather (it may be too hot to run the oven).

At dinner time, I looked around and wasn't sure what to make or what I wanted.  I decided to go with a whole wheat pita (already had on hand, and we decided not to "waste" the food that already have), with turkey breast, cheese, tomato, lettuce, and mustard.  After one bite I was in heaven.  I forgot how good "real" food really is!  I'm hoping I can keep up the same thought a few days from now though when I want to give in to cravings for sugar!

I think I will weigh in tomorrow and if I can find my tape measure I will measure inches as well.  I'm not looking forward to what either has to say, but I know I have to know, and will be able to look back one day and see progress that I can be proud of.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Insert title here...

First, let me apologize up front for any errors.  I am nursing Lorelai right now and it can be hard to do and type at the same time. 

I have been so busy with life and the stress of it that I haven't had much of a chance to write.  I know I always say I am going to try harder, but never end up being able to keep up on it.  So, I am going to do my best to not promise to do better since I have no idea how to go about doing so.  Ha.  I do want to integrate a new theme, if you will, into my blog though.  Besides talking about my every day life, I want to focus more on being a parent-- my children, my views, etc.  I also want to focus on a new journey.  I need to lose weight and I need to get my family in a better and healthier lifestyle.  So, I am going to try to blog about my progress, steps we are making, new recipes we are trying, etc.  I will post my weight and inches lost each week (as I remember to do so) and my goals as time goes on.

My first goal is to use this week to go through my cabinets to see what we have on hand for food, make menus using what we have on hand, and grocery shopping accordingly.  I want to try to use up the foods that we have on hand before we do a complete overhaul of our diets.  Ephraim doesn't eat meat, Bretton isn't a huge vegatable fan, Eric eats a lot of pasta and carbs, and I eat whatever is easiest with 2 young children-- including but not limited to, a lot of cereal, ramen, and chocolate.  (Honestly, I was never a huge junk food eater until recently.  I'm not sure if it is related to the depo shot, but I think it is, and will be discussing it with my doctor soon!)

Eric and I plan to go with "real" food, as often as possible.  I have a lot of recipes in mind, and have done a lot of reading up on "real" food.  My favorite place right now regarding this is -- check it out!

So, as I go through the kitchen cabinets this week I will do my best to update where I am at, and this weekend will be my first weigh in.  I am honestly scared and ashamed to put it out there, but I am hoping it will help keep me more accountable.  I don't have many followers, if any, but just writing it out, knowing someone might read it, is motivation enough-- I hope!  If you are reading and don't mind, please leave me comments once in awhile, just so I know I have (a) reader(s) and support.  :)