Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I feel like...

I have no one. 

My life sucks, and no matter what I do I can't seem to make it better.  Our financial situation is at an all time low.  Eric can't seem to find more work-- though he has only applied to a hand full of places, which makes me feel like maybe he doesn't really want to work more hours.  This leaves me in a tough spot.  Do I go back to work, and be even more miserable yet be able to financially provide for my family, or do I stay home as planned, and be miserable with what little money we have-- barely being able to pay the bills?  If I do go back, Lorelai is going to have a very rough time, as she is refusing the bottle.  Eric probably won't handle it well, and Ephraim will get no one-on-one time because Lorelai will need so much attention.

Then, to add to that, I hate myself.  I have for years and years, but lately it is just getting worse and I can't seem to figure out how to love myself.  The one person who I want to help me doesn't seem to care.  They are much more involved with their own feelings and the worry of others thoughts and feelings.  That's fine.  They have the right to feel, think, say, and do as they please.  I feel as though it is only tearing us apart though.

Today is Ephraim's 2nd birthday, and I thought we would have a wonderful day all together, just enjoying him and celebrating his life.  But, today has been miserable-- mostly because of a certain person who can't get past a decision I have made for myself. 

I am seriously considering leaving.  Just packing up the essentials, taking the kids, and starting over somewhere else.  It isn't like anyone will miss me.  But, how can I leave when we are beyond broke?  We don't have enough for the few bills we have, there certainly isn't enough to move.  Which again, makes me miserable because I want out of here more than almost anything right now.  I would give almost anything to be out of Salem, and back in the Farmington area. 

If only someone cared.  Cared enough to not only be there, but to listen-- truly listen, validate my feelings (even if they don't agree), and help me with my broken heart and broken life.  I never in a million years thought I would despise my life as much as I do right now.  The only thing that is good, are my 3 children.  Even then, my worries and hate for life grow as I watch them grow up.  Knowing that they will have to deal with this awful world and people who don't care.  Knowing that I probably robbed Bretton of his biological father because I was young and stupid.  Knowing that Ephraim, while I love and adore him, is always going to be a handful that I can't deal with, not as a good mother should.  Knowing that Lorelai has a horrible woman as a "role model"-- Lord, please do not let her look up to me, but give her an amazing woman who can guide her into being a wonderful woman herself one day.  Give each of my children the role models they need in life to be the wonderful, strong individuals that you would have them become.

I am a horrible mother-- but despite that fact, I love my children with all my heart.  No one matters to me more than they do.  If only I could be a better person for them.  Why is it that no one likes me?  I always thought I was a nice, caring person, who was easy to get along with.  But, the older I get and the less friends I realize I have, the more I wonder what is wrong with me for people to hate me so much.  The more I realize no one cares, the more I hate myself.  An unending battle it seems.

There is so much else that I hate, but I don't have enough tears to keep going...

1 comment:

  1. Wow this is awful :(. You are not a horrible mother!